The pain, the pain of it all!

[The Curmudgeon]

I thought I was going to be leaving you, I really did.

Here's the story; went to bed last night feeling fine. Woke up this morning at 6 thinking there was some living, pulsing, nerve shredding creature burrowing around inside me. I could hardly breathe. I had to throw up outside my bedroom window (that must have looked classy). I could barely take the pain. I had to wake Mrs C to get me an ambulance.

Fact: I've been in hospital, actually in a bed getting treatment - twice in my life. So phoning an ambulance isn't something I take lightly. After about six frantic calls from Mrs C to some dicks on the phone who didn't know if it was "life threatening" (how the fuck do YOU know??), I finally got carried out on a stretcher, oxygen mask and everything, and had to be injected with fucking MORPHINE for the pain. Not the best way to spend a Saturday.

Anyway, turns out I had kidney stones, which is far, FAR too cute and innocent sounding a name for the blinding, crippling pain it inflicted. I shouldn't even be writing this right now 'cos I was supposed to stay in overnight. Pah - it takes more than that to keep me down. But I'll tell you - morphine RULES. It was liquid bliss pouring through my veins.

So there you have it. Not "life threatening" after all, but quite simply the worst pain I've ever had in my life. So, like I said, I don't have any other hospital stories (except getting my tonsils taken out when I was about six), so does anyone else have any? Time to think back on un-happy times...

[trashcanman]

No hospital for me. I've got a constitution like fucking Wolverine. But when my grandfather was admitted after breaking his hip he lost his mind. Literally. He got super-paranoid and thought people were spying on him with bugs and he actually thought the people on television were talking about him. It was surreal and saddening. Th weird thing is, as soon as he got out he was totally fine. Mayhap he had a little liquid bliss as well? I'm glad you're alright. Now I can live out the rest of my life having nightmares about kidney stones.

[mackshere]

Well, Mack's had plenty of experiences in the hospital. I'm not about to say I've had bad luck, quite the contrary.

-Right from the get go, I nearly killed my mother during pregnancy. Doctors recommended abortion, but she refused. Thankfully, she is very strong and stubborn. I think some of the complications were due to her smoking habits, which caused her a great deal of guilt. Anyway, I was born premature and only weighed 3lbs, but relatively healthy.

-Age 10, my appendix burst. Docs said it was game over. It was strange, my entire family was in the hospital room crying, plus my priest came to visit me and give me a final blessing. Even wiped ashes on my forehead. I pulled through after a couple of weeks.

-Age 13, I broke my left femur playing football. Not life threatening, but I spent a month being waited on hand and foot by hot blondes in white. Plus missed a half year of school.

-Age 22, bad car wreck. Went on a road trip to get a piece of tail. Even had a designated driver, but me and my buddy both fell asleep while cruising back home. For the record, seat belts and/or airbags are a good thing, and surely would have helped. I got seriously fucked up--I broke my jaw, hand, leg & ankle. Also had a severe concussion, damaged tailbone, internal bleeding, and was in a coma. The doctors were scrambling to save my life, told my family that they were gonna half to amputate my left leg to save my life. But miraculously they were able to get the veins untangled and I kept my leg. I rehabbed for several months, and within a year I was able to walk normally. I had to carry a seat cushion for another six months just to sit down, my tailbone took awhile to heal.
And with all those injuries, the most excruciating pain I felt was from nerve damage to my toes. Go figure. That shit kept me up many nights.

I can walk and run just fine now, although I did lose some of my blazing speed. I am one lucky bastard. It is easy for anyone to take things for granted, but I constantly think about how lucky I truly am.

[The Curmudgeon]

I think we can all agree Mackshere - you are not meant for this world. Holy shit that's a string of, well, not "bad" luck as such - but certainly a LOT of close-calls. Damn, someone up there must like you as much as the other guy who hates you.

Small update - turns out it was worth it after all. When I came back from hospital (to a hero's fanfare), Mrs C bought me..



Every cloud, eh?

[mackshere]

Mrs. C rocks! I had a female friend of mine make up a MACKSHERE airbrush T-shirt for me. Not quite as cool as Batman AA though, but very thoughtful.

Glad you are ok Curmy. Everyone must suffer.

[trashcanman]

The indestructible Mackshere! I picture a road trip with you to be a cross between one of those delightfully retarded sex comedies and a Herschell Gordon Lewis flick. So how's coma life? Is it just like taking a catnap and oversleeping a looooong time? I'm impressed by your many recoveries. One of these days, the other shoe is going to drop and I'm going to be paralyzed from the neck down or something equally dreadful. I'll have to learn to rap like this guy:

[mackshere]

My coma time was weird as hell. Kept having dreams of getting ass raped by some creepy old man in a surgical mask. I woke up, and my backside really was hurting. Anyway, I honestly have wanted to write a horror flick about that trip, with some surreal moments of extreme suffering.

[The Curmudgeon]

..... did you REALLY dream you were being raped?

[trashcanman]

I'm pretty sure that's a nightly thing with him.

[The Curmudgeon]

So is it possible to have a boner in a coma, Mack?

(I think I've just written Aerosmith's new single).

[mackshere]

No rapeage C, that I am aware of. I really do not remember much from the first couple of weeks after waking up, except my dad came to see me. I wrote a poem about it, I will post it later.

Rehabbing your mind can be a scary thing. I remember seeing all my family and friends at the hospital, and recognizing them somewhat. But it hurt to process information. Later I would have classes (with tests on a 1st grade level) that I had difficulty solving. So frustrating. Luckily, my mind healed as well.

One thing I must mention--my best friend bought me a Playstation 1 when I got home. That was the greatest gift ever! We both were extremely poor, no way I could afford one at the time. He could not either, but somehow he did. Some things we can never repay.

[trashcanman]

That's amazing. All praises to the almighty Playstation! I would literally go insane under those circumstances. My capacity to think clearly already feels diminished under most circumstances and it enrages me so losing further functionality after an accident would melt me down quick.

[InvisibleWolfMan]

You should buy some lottery tickets, mackshere.

Sorry to hear about your predicament, The Curmudgeon. I've had my own set of pain to deal with thanks to my recent vasectomy. Hence my reluctance to post more than my "songs of the week" here until recent...

[The Curmudgeon]

Ok, now you just know we'll be expecting a seperate thread about your vasectomy experience. Let us know how that went, won't you?

And it appears that the IHM isn't out of the woods yet. It started with a dull ache in my nuts from last night and then mutated into the exact same pain I had in the first place. I had to see my doctor first before the hospital would admit me (otherwise I'd in a waiting room for FOUR hours), so picture the scene; I'm sitting in a packed doctors surgery, chalk white, trembling, shivering and bent over in pain. The receptionist had to give me a bowl to hold 'cos I was going to vomit in her bin. Every pair of eyes in that room were thinking the exact same thing - "JUNKIE."

Anyway, after ten minutes of this the receptionist asks if I'd like to go into the bathroom. And I just knew I was going to be kept waiting another 20 minutes and then I might not even GET into the hospital for my methadone (shit, I even sound like a junkie now), instead being fobbed off with "oh, here's some paracetamol. Have a nice day. NEXT." So what do I do? Oscar nominations, please - I pretend to faint.

Et voila - my own room in the doctors, a bed to lie on, TWO doctors taking a look at me, an injection of some other painkiller and a phonecall for an ambulance straight away. No four hour waiting time, no fuss - and more liquid bliss straight into... well, straight into my right ass cheek if you must know.

So it would appear this whole painful saga ain't over yet. I came away with more pills than Eminem could handle and the awesome news I may have to go through it all again if I have what's known as a "spasm." Lovely.

[trashcanman]

That is some bad news if you have to faint to see a doctor. You guys have public health care over there, right? We may soon join that club and let me tell you there will be violence if Americans are put into that kind of predicament. Those people are crazy! Then again, even with all the private practices doctors often get to the point where they charge your ass and don;t offer you any actual treatment; just a painkiller prescription. People die because the doctors couldn't be bothered diagnosing their cancer or pneumonia and just shuffled them off with some random bullshit prescription. Do no harm, my ass!