Post by The Curmudgeon on Jan 21, 2010 15:22:22 GMT 2
What fresh Hell is this?
Sigh. It's my own fault, I suppose. Every year I think, "you know what, Curmudgeon? Maybe THIS year will be different. Maybe THIS year the music scene won't have anything horrendous spreading through the charts like cancer to your sack. Maybe it will be safe to watch the music channels without wishing I had been struck blind, deaf and dead. Hey.. maybe it's all going to be OK this year." And then 2010 hits, and the atrocious "One Time" by Justin Bieber is a smash hit single, and I'm left secretly hoping for a meteorite to smash us all out of the galaxy forever.
Little kids singing love songs. I don't know why, exactly, but it's been a staple of the pop music scene ever since records started turning. The Osmonds, the Jacksons, Hanson, Miley Cyrus.. when every other kid in the world is thinking a quick, awkward fumble is up there with the Kamasutra, these famous kids are singing about eternal love and devotion. And even though there's been some horrors in the past, has there ever been anyone as loathsome and punchable as Justin Bieber?
So who is this pond-life anyway? Well, he was discovered on Youtube, that well-known talent magnet, putting him in the same company as that "Leave Britney alone" abomination and the unfunny video of that ugly child coming back from the dentist. So he had videos of himself singing on Youtube when some predator/record company exec spotted him and signed him to a record label. It's the stuff dreams, or in this case, nightmares, are made of.
Let's start with the video (and, indeed, how I discovered this song). Justin's playing video games with his friend when who should call him but R&B superstar Usher? Turns out it's Usher's house and he wants Justin to look after it for him. Instead of reminding Usher that he's not legally permitted to be home alone, Justin instead throws a party for himself and all his curiously older looking girlfriends. He'd better just hope Usher doesn't come back with his old buddy and singing partner R Kelly. And that Kelly doesn't have a full bladder, either.
Anyway, what follows is a song so crass and so cynical you almost double-take. Why is Justin Bieber throwing up "gang signs" to the camera? Why is he singing like he's black? Why is he using tedious, over-used phrases like "shawty"? Because guess what this is? It's generic, vanilla R&B! Aimed at 10 year old girls raised and brainwashed on this sort of garbage! With the added bonus of the singer being white! Everyone's a winner!
Or not. Because not only is the song predictable, throwaway junk you feel certain you've heard about 1,000 times before, it's performed by a charmless, odious little scumball you wouldn't tire of reversing over. Check out his early Youtube videos, where he squeaks through Aretha's "Respect" and feel your will to live drip through your shoes. Watch the video of Justin covering a song by Michael Jackson, a man who's childhood was stolen from him by fame, and try not to choke on the irony. You would think, in today's day and age of endless E! specials on child stars getting hooked on drugs at an early age that some would question the idea of throwing a 13/14 year old boy into a life of appearing with the likes of Usher and P Diddy? But no, there he is. Coming to E! in 2015, "Justin Bieber's Coke Hell." You know it's true.
Some people will argue that its just pop music, that its just a bit of fun and that he's a nice singer who little girls will love. What he actually is, of course, is a dead-eyed puppet being used to sell more cheap, redundant cookie cutter dross to idiots being raised on this sort of soul-less drivel they have to accept as the soundtrack to their generation. Justin Bieber is not a great pop star or an internet sensation or any of the other witless superlatives being thrown on him by idiots.
Justin Bieber, in fact, makes you think child murderers may actually have a point.
See: Justin Bieber, One Time
www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHVhwcOg6y8
