Post by The Curmudgeon on Feb 26, 2010 9:31:51 GMT 2
Gawful.
Of course, that would be "God Awful." Because hey, look! It's John and Edward! Or, if you're a moron, Jedward, as they've been needlessly and annoyingly branded for life. The duo who almost de-railed Cowell's X-Factor juggernaut by being unspeakably, laughably terrible. They couldn't sing, they couldn't dance, it seemed moving their mouths and forming coherent words was sometimes too much of a stretch for them. But as the weeks went on, the media and public attention soon focused directly on the two, so much so that the other wailing idiots on the show barely got a nod in the press. Indeed, after John and Edward were eliminated (before Cowell has caught on to their popularity and had begun drowning out their vocals with backing singers to make them more bearable), they were still the talking point of the whole dire pantomime.
And do you know what? It was GREAT.
Not for John and Edward's performances themselves (although they did make the whole dreary, predictable process of the program more tolerable), but because it upset SO many people. There was an outcry from passionate fans of the show (also known as "people with general learning difficulties"); that John and Edward were making a mockery of the contest, that it was no longer about singing, that they shouldn't be on there, that it should be about talent.. etc etc repeat to fade. They seemed to think the show was trying to find the next Bob Dylan, when in reality John and Edward were no less terrible than most of the cretins that were on the show in the first place, just less in-tune. The whole thing re-enforced what The Curmudgeon has always known - the only people who actually take the X Factor seriously are people who don't know anything about music in the first place.
So, no - I did not "hate" John and Edward. I didn't even merely dislike them. But that doesn't mean I was under the impression that anything they did release (and there was no doubt the duo were going to unleash some horror into the world) was going to be anything other than garbage. But even I'm stunned as to how bad it actually is. For starters, any song that makes Vanilla Ice look like a leading figure in popular music must be doing something wrong, and he comes across like Prince and Michael Jackson rolled into one on this.
The song itself, then, and a more ironic tune you'll be hard pressed to find this year. A merging of Vanilla's only hit, "Ice Ice Baby," and the song he sampled and was promptly sued for in the process, Queen and Bowie's eternal classic "Under Pressure." So here's Vanilla Ice; a guy rising from his grave, Altered Beast style, to guest star on a song he not only destroyed with a baseball bat on MTV a few years ago, but was also sued for using the sample to the song he's now singing along to. Oh, and he's singing with two other guys but still saying "it's time to go solo." It could almost make your brain bleed trying to work it all out.
And as for Under Pressure itself.. I have, honestly, without hyperbole, never heard or seen a song so witlessly and poorly performed. The songs themes of poverty and desperation are quite simply steam-rollered over until they're invisible. There's not even a hint of understanding the lyrics. It's like John and Edward are trained monkeys who've learned to just make sounds that go along with the music. Even pop covers usually treat the source material with even a hint of respect, or at least attempt to convey some meaning into what they're singing. These two could be singing that "ting tang walla walla bing bong" bit from "Witchdoctor" for all the emotion they show. It is shockingly, almost unbelievably bad. But, of course, this was an enormous hit single in the UK. Somehow that funny joke from a few months back just fluffed it's punchline.
Of course, like Vanilla Ice before them, this will be the only thing the "Jedward" phenomenon will be known for, as like all other novelty acts, their shelf life is shorter than a pint of milk. This is, by any lengths, an atrocious, insulting record, but to their credit they did show that the X Factor was nothing more than a concentration camp of talentless buffoons. Let's remember them that way, shall we?
SEE: Jedward feat Vanilla Ice - Under Pressure
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDwAG4EDpDA
.jpeg)
