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Post by The Curmudgeon on Nov 3, 2010 14:17:13 GMT 2
Joe McElderry has been put to sleep.It's clear from this year's comedy karaoke debacle that certain things have now been dropped from the X Factor; the use of reality show buzz terms like "my journey" are now a thing of the past, the increasingly desperate use of superlatives to describe how "amazing" a singer is ("100% percent yes! 200% percent yes! A million percent yes! Monkeytennis percent yes!") have now been removed and it also looks like Joe McElderry, last years winner, is soon to be edited from the collective X Factor consciousness as well. It's a strange set up indeed; "Ambitions" (which, for McElderry should surely now only be "more reality television") Joe's first actual single (after the Christmas failure) was released, and Cowell had THIS years X Factor plankton covering his own winner's competition for that week, praising the songs themselves and saying they were "certain to be number one this week." Think about that for a second. The week Cowell's Brand New Pop Star's single was out, he was pretty much urging people to buy the other big releases that week to prevent it from reaching number one. It was bizarre and, let's not forget, absolutely hilarious. You could almost hear the clapping noise as Cowell washed his hands of the stench of mediocrity that is Joe McElderry. You know, I'm not calling myself a prophet, but this time last year I did predict that McElderry's Christmas number one defeat to your heroes and mine Rage Against the Machine would be the ONLY thing he would be remembered for. And so, it came to pass; "Ambitions", the Big New Single from Joe McElderry, a drab, Auto-Tuned cover of a foreign song failed to have any real momentum and was clearly only bought by the raving, deranged simpletons who haunt McElderry's website like sad, poorly educated ghosts. Cowell's "buy this instead, you mindless sheep" approach clearly worked. And now "Wide Awake", the first (and, of course, last) album from Joe, which Cowell himself described as "sounding a bit like Mika", which in real terms means, "Pass. I've already given up on him." So, yes, it does sounds a little like Mika. It also sounds like the Scissor Sisters (one track, in fact, is an almost outrageous rip-off). The rest are all similarly Auto-tuned, empty shells and half-songs. A few limp ballads here, some weak bore-pop numbers there. And the comparrisons to superior pop acts does Joe no favours. The album lacks Mika's pop hooks and doesn't come close to any of the tongue-in-cheek sauciness of the Scissor Sisters. You need wit and personality to deliver that (oh, and writing your own songs doesn't hurt, either). McElderry can grin like he's been huffing on new improved Joker products, but this is clearly a "pop star" on his very last legs. Remember Leon Jackson? Eoghan Quigg? Journey South? Same Difference? Ray Quinn? The list stretches on and on like the Yellow Brick Road, yet people still continue to believe and swallow the same wretched hype year after year. Being forgotten and rejected by the fans is one thing - these reality show test tube specimens should be used to that, but to be forgotten and rejected by the same show that created you, on the brink of your debut single? It clearly shows Cowell has no faith in McElderry, that he's smart enough to spot a dud and has already moved on to fleecing more gullible punters with this years chamber of horrors. Joe McElderry deserves no better. Now let us never speak of him again.
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Post by trashcanman on Nov 3, 2010 21:00:31 GMT 2
Speak of who again?
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Post by The Curmudgeon on Nov 3, 2010 21:02:27 GMT 2
Uh.. that guy.. John? John Something? John McEnroe, maybe.
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Post by Brainhead1 on Nov 21, 2010 15:55:59 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Hilarious as usual.
Allow me to offset the terribleness of the albums you review by suggesting good ones.
Twin Cinema
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Post by The Curmudgeon on Nov 21, 2010 15:56:59 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
A fellow Pornographers fan? Brainhead, you win my Awesome Guy of the Week Award. I discovered TNP on the net (they've pretty much unknown in the UK) and I fell in love with them immediatly. I made it my mission to get their entire catalogue, and Twin Cinema is up there with the very best. An EXCELLENT suggestion, my friend.
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Post by Brainhead1 on Nov 21, 2010 15:57:48 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Thanks. They're not exactly huge over here but popular enough I guess. Of course I live in the South where no one keeps up to date with anything except Football. (Not the Soccer version)
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Post by Alan Montgomery on Nov 21, 2010 15:58:27 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
I was going to write a long reply, but I decided your "critique" wasn't worth the effort to refute it.
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Post by The Curmudgeon on Nov 21, 2010 15:58:55 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Well, thanks for sharing that amazing piece of information, Alan. Run along, now.
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Post by NYC Critic on Nov 21, 2010 15:59:35 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Curmudgeon,
Clearly the leathery veneer you call skin is beginning to split from the bile you regularly spew forth and affect your oh-so-pretentious and aren't-I-so-very-clever writing. "Last years winner"? Hmmm. I think you mean last year's winner, dear. Now do be a good boy and brush up on how to punctuate properly before attacking again. Right then. Carry on.
And on a more serious note, while you trumpet the wonderfulness of TNP, I gotta say that "Jenny Silver Dollar," "Valkyrie in the Roller Disco," and "A Bite Out of My Bed" are about as inane as anything I've heard lately, and I've been following them for years. Yes, I understand that you're ruffled by the processed music that is neatly packaged and sold as TV product, but there is no need to get your panties in a bunch over it. And as an end note, I think Joe's take on Donkeyboy's "Ambitions" is solid, sing-along-in-your-car pop. Sometimes, that all one needs.
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Post by The Curmudgeon on Nov 21, 2010 16:00:09 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Well, thanks for that, NYC critic, but if we're going to split hairs over tiny matters of boring, tedious punctuation, if we're REALLY going to play that game, you should surely have said "that's all one needs", right? If you want to drag the discussion down to that ho-hum nit-picking dullard level, then at least try and mainstain some sort of standard in the first place. Otherwise you tend to look a weeeee bit stupid.
About TNP, you can think what you like about those songs, I don't recall saying anything about them in the first place. So what if you don't like them? Who on EARTH cares what you think? So those songs aren't classics - does that make them a bad band? And to slate something as "inane" and then call Joe's song "sing-along-in-your-car pop" stikes me as delightful, if baffling, double standards.
You know what? You continue to sing along to Joe McElderry in your car. Have a blast. Next time, though, if you do decide to try and even be on my level, I dunno... have a POINT?
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Post by NYC Critic on Dec 1, 2010 20:06:26 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
I will attempt to, as you write, "mainstain" some sort of standard...at least as well as you do. And as for being on your level--a level from which you derisively pontificate--I couldn't stoop THAT low. You previously missed my POINT, so let me be clearer this time: There's no reason for you to be such a bitch in your review.
All the best, Your Buddy in New York City.
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Post by Brainhead1 on Dec 1, 2010 20:07:08 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Ah the grammar police card, the equivalent of grasping for straws in any online argument.
Also, if you're going to sing along to Joe McElderry in your car, please have the courtesy to keep the windows rolled up.
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