Take THAT!

[The Curmudgeon]

It's war - The Curmudgeon vs The Spammers!

If there's one thing that pisses The Curmudgeon off, it's Spam mail. You know how it is, you check your mail inbox and you find you've got 10 new entires. Feeling popular, you click to see what they are. And it's all junk mail and scam letters (which, surely, no-one falls for?). A complete waste of time.

So I decided to have some fun, and instead of junking the spam mail - I replied to some. And they replied back. Hoo-wee! At first I decided to be good ol' jive-talkin' Jamie Starr. Here's what happened (please note - NONE of the cut and paste e-mails have been changed, altered or doctored in ANY WAY. I've not printed the original spam mails, because they go on for ages - plus we've all seen them 100 times before).

First victim: Dr Hazim Bello.

Reply: Dear Dr Bollock

Hello there. Thanks for your generous offer but.. are you sure this will be OK? I don't want anyone to get into trouble.

Yours

James Starr

Bello (or Bollock) writes:

Dear James Starr,

Once again, thanks for your mail and for accepting to do this business deal with me. Because of the confidentiality and secrecy required in this business, correspond with me only with this present email and contact me on phone only on this very private phone number; 00226-765-020-59 ,I arranged this line for this deal. Kindly call me on phone so that we can discuss the modalities of concluding this transaction within a short duration.

I have found it necessary to give you more explanation on this deal and to give you details and breakdown of the modality which we have to follow to achieve this highly beneficial success. I am a banker and an insider. I know the process to be taken officially in the bank to investigate and verify your claim to grant you approval as the next of kin to the late customer, who died along with his whole family in a plane crash leaving no one behind to come for his fund left with this bank. since this is a secret account that he operates for his business as a contractor and there is no one left to come this claim i used this chance to contact you on your assistance so that we have this money transferred into your account since i have all the required information concerning the deceased man because i have been his account adviser before his late.

I know and I am optimistic that this business deal will uplift our financial status, it’s just for you to follow my instruction and guidelines until the fund will enter your account. I need your absolute cooperation in this great project.

The legal aspect of this transaction will be handled by a lawyer who will represent you at the bank as your resident attorney.

This business is a great deal and will need determination and great arrangement to succeed. The arrangement which has already been made is my underground responsibility in the bank in seeing that the whole process to be taken to achieve your approval and for the smooth transfer of your inheritance to your desired account is made without any conceivable hitch.

I assure you therefore that all loopholes and security measures are covered and all obstacles removed. This business deal will never endanger any of us on both sides. It is 100% free from any risk what so ever. It had taken me years to arrive at the stage before I decided to look for a foreigner to assist me, because of my financial incapability and been from this country.

TRUST AND CONFIDENCE.
I need to emphasise on the need for trust and confidence on both side as the pillar for the success of this business. You need to reassure me that you will not betray me and sit on this fund when it finally comes into your custody. Forward to me the followings:

1.your full name.
2. Home and office address.
3. Occupation.
4. Scanned copy of your international passport or driver’s license.

TAKING OFF.
The understanding of this details and accepting to work with me in this deal is the starting point. I require you therefore to declare your decision immediately. I have a time frame to conclude the transfer of this fund to your account. I have 14 banking days to affect this, immediately your application is received by bank.

Let me hear from you before I will send to you the contact of the department in charge of the foreign remittance in the bank so that you can apply for the release of this money to you.

With great wishes, have a nice day.

Hazim Bello.
TEL: [phone]

Jamie writes:

Dear Dr Bollock:

Thanks for getting back in touch with me, and thank you for all the details you gave me.

I need to know before I send any details out though that I'm not going to get into any trouble over this. Po-po is a no-no, you feelin' me? I mean - lets be honest here - it sounds pretty fishy. Thuggin' and buggin' is one thing, but this shizzle sounds doggy pizzle.

I want to help you out and I know I will be helping myself out but I just need to be sure. Are we all on the level here? Don't go jive talking me here now. Poppa don't play that.

Before I send anything out - tell me - WILL I GET IN TROUBLE?

Holla

Jamie Starr

Bello again..

Dear Jamie Starr ,


Thanks for your immediate reply and I am stating it on a plane form that this business is 100% risk free and you are not going to get into problem.

To be Sure of this, i will advise that you contact the bank first and ask them to help you with a good and bank accrediated lawyer that will help you out with a financial problem that you have with thier bank, here you will then seek for the service of this lawyer, send him a copy of the application that i am going to send to you and ask him to go and verify with the bank over this claim ,that you are the next of kin to this fund and that you want this bank to transfer this money to your account.

It is here now that you will know that this business will be legally handled and that what the bank needs from you is onle the correct informations that i am going to give you, then they will start the processing of this transfer.

LISTEN , THAT THE DECEASED DIED ALONG WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY LEAVING ON ONE BEHIND TO COME FOR THIS CLAIM AND THIS IS A SECRET ACCOUNT THAT HE OPERATES FOR HIS BUSINESS BEING A CONTRACT HERE IN MY COUNTRY.

I will advise that you call me on :00226 76502059 for more discussions and i will be forwarding a text of application which you will feel and contact the lawyer or the bank direct to start the processing of this on your name.

Hazim Bello.

And up from the depths..

Whad'up Bollock

I mentioned this (in the strictest confidence) to a friend of mine and he told me that it sounds like a "scam." I was all like, "nuh-uh. Talk to the HAND beeeatch," but he wasn't frontin' for a second. He was ON and POPPIN with that shit.

I only signed up to the internet a couple of weeks ago so I'm pretty new to all of this hippity hoppity. Now, don't go hatin' on a brother for asking this homie but apparantly these scams are everywhere. But I argued with him that if it WAS a scam you wouldn't be offering ME that bling, right?

Do you know what he said? "WhatEVER." Tscch. I'm going to pop a cap in that parrot tomorrow. I should NEVER have bought it.

Have you heard of such "scams?" And I know I'm sounding paranoid now but listen to a brother and tell me you're on the level and I'll call you straight away.

Thanks again for your time

Much love, no diggity

Jamie Starr


And, oddly enough - I haven't heard from him since. It doesn't end there, though. Someone else decided to reply to these mails. Someone huge. And metal.

[The Curmudgeon]

So, next day, next Spammer. And who do we have to speak to him? Your friend and mine, leader of the Autobots - Mr Optimus Prime! (Cheers).

Second victim: Ali Sherif

Optimus writes..

Hi Mr Sherif

This sounds amazing! Yes I am definitley interested!

One thing - are you sure this is legal? I don't want to take part in any decepticon. Are you sure I won't get into any trouble?

Please get back in touch as soon as possible

Regards

Optimus Prime.

Ali Sherif just sends me the same generic spam mail again. So Optimus writes back with..

Hi Mr Sherif

YES I KNOW. You've e-mailed me this about ten times. Fantastic news! But I just need to know if it's LEGAL. I don't want to get into trouble, you dig? I don't know if Lazerbeak is flying around spying on me or anything.

So no need to keep sending me the same letter all the time, you silly goose. I just want to know if this is SAFE. Holla back and tell me, human.

Yours

Optimus Prime.

I DO get a real reply now..

Dear Optmus,

Thanks for your response, I am very serious please.
I want you to understand that time is not really on our side, I choose you because I can't do this deal alone since my bank does not give room to staff and citizens of this country to operate foreign account in this bank. The depositor is a foreigner and anyone standing as his next of kin and stand for the claim of the said fund must be a foreigner. this is my main reason for contacting you.

So I will advice that you do the necessary things as quickly as possible to enable us commence the immediate execution of this transaction. As you must know, we shall follow the normal official procedures of our bank which will take us up to Four to Five Bank working days to complete before the transfer will be effected. You are going to apply as the next of kin to the deceased man and handle every part of the transaction, you will need to provide an account to received the fund there also.

I will be very glad to work with you and extend the relationship to our families. To be frank with you, this transaction is totally risk free and I am absolutely an honest and sincere person, however, I will like you to discover this yourself and testify as this business progresses.

The name of the deceased customer is :MR SAYED HASSAN AWALI, he is a Jordanian, a physician and industrialist. He met his sudden death in plane crash that took place in 2000 . On hearing of his death, the bank board of directors set up a three (3)man fact finding committee to investigate and find out the cause of his death and related informations about his family.

I was made a member of the committee and at the end of our assignment we collected informations which included that he died along with his wife and three children, he left the sum of Twelve Million Six Hundred Thousand United States Dollars ($12.600 000), in his account in the AFRICAN DEVELOPEMENT BANK; Ouagadougou, Burkina faso and did not name his beneficiary, since then the bank had been waiting to see whether any of his relatives could come forward and put claims over his balance in the bank but non showed up.

This is exactly getting to Six years now since He deposited this money, the edict establishing this bank states that any such fund (abandoned) that is not claimed within five years will be confiscated or seized and put into the banks treasury as government fund, unfortunately, the bank directors want to do another thing now by planning to share this fund among themselves as nobody is coming up for the claims.

My good Friend, I see this development as a very good opportunity for me to contact you to help me put claim to this fund as his next of kin and accommodate this in your bank account abroad. I want you to know that arrangement has been made, so the process will be hitch free bearing in mind that I was the person who submitted the information of this late bank customer to the bank board of directors. I am in a position to give you all information about this man as the bank may require from you after applying as the next of kin to claim his balance. This is not my money you must understand this point.

On your own part, I want you to continue to keep this as a top secret strickly between you and me only because I am still working in this bank here, if they discover that I was the person who gave you information about this deceased customer, I will loose my job, you are only required to act on my behalf by following my directives as I will be giving you information daily concerning bank decisions towards this transaction.
After receiving your reply, I will send you a text of application which you will re-write and send to our bank here for approval.

Meanwhile call me on my direct telephone: [phone]

I hope to hear from you soonest.

Sincerely Yours

Ali Sherif

Over to ol' Clanky..

Hi Ali

Thanks for getting back to me. You didn't really answer my question though - WILL I GET IN TROUBLE FOR THIS? Is there more than meets the eye to this?

You see, as leader of the Autobots, I can't really be seen getting in trouble with the police. Megatron would have a field day with that one.

So maybe I'm needing an oil-change or something but I can't find anywhere in your letter saying whether any of us could get jailed for this. Whether its legal isn't really an issue (just don't tell Starscream), but WILL WE GET IN TROUBLE?

Thanks for your time.

Optimus Prime

Ali..

Dear Optimus,

Thanks for your mail, you don't have any reason to be afraid,as Ihave explaim in my preious mail, I am one of the executive Board member of this bnk branch and I know what am talking about. Provided you follow my direction step by step. In less than one week the fund will be in your bank account. I only need your confirmation to be sure you are ready so that I can send you my bank contact and the application you should send to them for the claim of the said fund. I am here to monitor the whole process and to give you all the documents upon the bank demands.

Please I need you to call me as soon as possible with my direct telephone number as shown below:

00 226 78 86 66 97

Looking forward to hearing rom you soon.

Sincerely Yours,

Ali Sherif

Optimus..

HI Ali

Hmm - that's strange. I tried to call you right away and it wouldn't work. Perhaps Cybertron has a different area code - I don't know. At first I thought Soundwave had knocked the phonelines dead but every other line seems fine.

Did you send me the wrong number perhaps?

Please get in touch as soon as possible before I turn into a truck.

Yours

Optimus Prime.


And that was just a few hours ago. I'll make sure and post any more replies.

Because this is WAR!

[trashcanman]

HA HA HA HA!!!! Who are these jackasses and where do they come up with this crap? And, most of all, who are the morons who fall for this crap often enough to justify the perpetuation of the scam? The jive talkin' was great, but the Transformers routine was hysterical! Almost makes me wish I got spam that isn't about rolex's, penis enlargement (don't need none of that), or horny housewives who want me for sex (how DO they get my email address?).

[The Curmudgeon]

Gather round, there's more.

Ali Sherif wrote back..

Please I pivk up the phone when you called but it seems there is a network problem, please you should try again, it will go through.

the number is correct: 00226 78 86 66 97

Ali sherif

Optimus..

Hi Ali

Still no answer! I asked Ratchet to take a look at the phone lines, because he's quite good with mechanics and stuff, and he just scratched his big shiney head and said "beats me Commander." Actually, to be honest, it looks like I'm going to have to put him through the carwash. I think a bird took a shit on his bumper.

Anyway, is this a joke or something? You keep giving me these numbers and then nothing happens! I mean, you do KNOW I'm the leader of the Transformers don't you?

Maybe there is an international code needed or something. I don't know the code for Cybertron, but the number you gave me

00226 78 86 66 97

Doesn't work.

Please get back in touch, friendly flesh man.

Regards

Optimus Prime

That was yesterday. Nothing else so far, but I have a third victim already - but that's for later.

[The Curmudgeon]

Third victim - Abu Musa

Dear Mr Musa

Thank you for your kind letter.

I need guidance and instruction, (and some minor work on my brakes. I screech all the time).

What do I need to do now to help you?

Thank you

Your friend

Optimus Prime

Musa writes..

Dear Mr. Optimus Prime,
Thanks a lot for your swift response and understanding. Like as l said earlier on my first letter, l want you to apply urgently to the bank as the next of kin to the deceased customer to enable you safe these money for our personal use.

However, you shall act as the business partner to the deceased customer and you will have to contact the bank directly to reactivate the said account for onward transfer of the fund to your nominated bank account, of course I will be solidly behind you to furnish you with all the information you will need as to enable the bank approved your application form for onward transfer of the fund to your account.

I have attach to this mail an application letter, l want you to go through the letter and ask question as the case more be. While proceeding to the next step, l will like to have your full contact address, your phone, fax, home address, occupation and nationality.
My regards to you and extend my greetings to your family
MR. ABU MUSA

Prime time..

Hi Abu

I don't know how to ask this, so please don't take offence. I asked Bumblebee, who you may or not know can change into a Volkswagon Beetle, about your generous offer and he actually said it sounded like SPAM.

Being from Cyberton, I don't actually know what this is, but he seems to think you're probably a Decepticon or failing that, some loser who thinks anyone will fall for your poorly written jibberish.

So I need to know - IS THIS A TRICK?

Thanks

Optimus Prime

A very pissed off Abu wrote back..


Dear Optimus Prime.

I don't know what youre talking about thanks.Nice hearing from you. As per your mail, l want you to know that, the person or whomever you call him is right as nature may have it because if l am in the same shoe with him, l will answer thesame. So he or she is not wrong at all to tell you that it is a spam as you said.

Because doing business with somebody you have not seeing before or known at all very well, sounds very stupid but in this case considering the sensitive nature of this transaction it’s has to be treated that way because l can not afford to travel all over the world looking for a partner before achieving my aim, while there are people that are successful at side their country today through unknown person and from there they become big investor in the society today, just as we are discussing now concerning this transaction. it may sounds so funy but truth speaks for it self.

I strongly believe that it does not take anything to know somebody and trust him, which l know before we get to somewhere in this transaction we will know each other better, which is even to my own benefits to know you more but because l am still active in service with my bank also if l make any move before this claims takes off, the bank authority must suspect me and l will become authormatical a sabotage. So my good friend l don’t know what you mean by TRICK?

Once again thanks for your concern.
My regards

and so..

Hi Abu

My deepest apologies, and please don't think I was trying to offend you. Here in Cybertron we don't have much time for social studies, so we do tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Just the other day I told Ratchet he needed new spark plugs and to get his windscreen washed. WELL. You'd have thought I'd have called him a Decepticon. He was as hysterical as Starscream. Without the murderous tendancies, obviously.

I've just heard some very bad things about the internet, so obviously I was worried. By TRICK I meant a scam or a con or some such thing.

Once again I apologise. If I could make it up to you by turning into a truck and driving you around Cyberton I would.

What is the next step in our business please?

Your friend

Optimus Prime

Will our friend Abu write back?

[InvisibleWolfMan]

God, I hope so! I could use another gut-busting fit of laughter....

[Tumuli]

That was the most insanely hilarious thing I've ever read.

You're a demented genius.