Shit heroes.

[The Curmudgeon]

While we're dealing death blows to lackluster villains, its surely a perfect opportunity to turn our attention to those do-gooders who you never want to win. To (attempt to) quote MST3K: "Movie.. this better not be our hero."

I think the all-time shit hero, for me at least, would have to be Luke Skywalker. A whining, lumpy faced wretch, make to look an absolute dick next to the unshakable cool of Han Solo. And he got off on kissing his sister, even though "deep down, he always knew" who she was. Ugh. Then there's the fact he's moping in the Falcon because Ben's dead. "I can't believe he's gone." He only knew him for about an hour! Key annoying point, though? "WASSAT FLASHING?" We're supposed to lay our hopes on this goof?

Now onto quite possibly the most famous hero of all - Superman. The best part of any comic book featuring Superman is quite simply - when Superman gets his ass kicked. Because it so rarely happens, because he's so two-dimensional and perfect, and DC writers have road-blocked themselves by pretty much making him unbeatable in every way, whenever someone DOES get an inch on the guy it's awesome.

The worst moments for me was the Marvel/DC crossovers. Superman beating Hulk? Get the fuck out of here. Superman beating THOR?! Are you kidding me?! So an ALIEN can beat a GOD?

OK, he's not a shit hero, I suppose. But certain people playing him have made Supes more hateful than ever. Brandon Routh seems to have been told that being Superman means being as boring as possible, and Dean Cain was The Smuggest Man On Earth. That's not my kind of hero.

Any more?

[trashcanman]

Old-ass Batman beat Superman with some help from Arrow in "The Dark Knight Returns". It was sweeeeeeet!

Shitty heroes, eh? Hows about a little Captain Marvel for ya?





Or the gayest sidekick ever, who needs no other introduction


Say what, now?



Hank Pym


Whatever his identity, he is just a shitty superhero. And as if that wasn't enough, he beat his loveable wife! Why is this dude still a big player in the Marvel U? Useless.

[The Curmudgeon]

Oh man, he only hit her once and it was about twenty years ago and that bitch Janet keeps going on about it. I was reading a recent story and she kept throwing it back at him and part of me wanted big Hank to slug her again.

I actually really like the character Hank Pym. Yeah, the ant thing is rubbish, and even modern writing can't make it sound realistic, but the split personality/self loathing thing really works well with good writers.

Without Hank Pym there would be no Yellowjacket and no Ultron. 'Nuff said.

That Batman pic is priceless, Trashy. In what era did that sound acceptable?

[The Curmudgeon]

While we're on the subject of crap comic book heroes, what about this one, that I've NEVER been able to take seriously?



Beta Ray Bill. Beta Ray Bill, for fuck's sake! Awful, awful name and.. what exactly is he supposed to be? And what kid in their right mind would want THIS action figure? It's like Mr Ed on steroids.

[trashcanman]

I'm not familiar with him except from the "Ultimate Alliance" video game. Never played as him, never wanted to. I hate that fucking Yellowjacket costume. I haven't read very much of him except as a side character in other comics because I just don't dig him, so I maybe selling Pym a little short. But I definitely got the giggles out of "The Ultimates" when Cap busted his ass and then he joined Team Retard (The Defenders, was it?). And isn't Ultron a major villain? Good job, dickhead. But The Vision is awesome and I think Ultron created him.

[The Curmudgeon]

Yeah, there's a whole back story about Hank Pym. He created Ultron as a good robot (which, come on, never works) and he developed sense and a mind of his own and began to hate humanity.

Come on - how cool does he look here?



Yellowjacket was a split personality of Pym, and everything he wasn't. Bold, witty, sexy etc - and more than a little psycho. Hank Pym is never going to be a major player in the Marvel universe, but he's more interesting than some. Oh, and he's the subject of a new movie directed by Fortress fave Edgar Wright. Take that with a pinch of salt, but that could be pretty cool if it happens.

[trashcanman]

Maybe I need to check Yellowjacket out. That description sounds cool. I hate the outfit and it was Hank Pym so I've pretty much ignored the character. His contribution to the Civil War was laughable considering they made it seem like he was running the show along with Stark and Richards. Instead he was just the dude who stood next to them and looked dumb until the end when he became a meaningless WTF plot point.

[The Curmudgeon]

Back on track, and here's a Superman themed superdud



Steele. One of the worst comic book films I've ever seen, and seriously, does that costume look remotely made of steel to you?

[The Curmudgeon]

Speaking of crap superheroes, here's a video of the now legendary first WWE encounter between the Rock (in scene stealing bad guy role) and The Hurricane.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWWgX-aScxU&feature=related

[The Curmudgeon]

No mention of shit heroes can be complete without this one..



Maybe we need to start a new thread for "really, really embarrassing heroes", because she needs to get a special mention for the sheer ineptitude of this film - who took someone as hot as Halle Berry, put her in skin-tight leather and still managed to make her as appealing as making out with your gran.