The Curmudgeon vs Spammers - again!

[The Curmudgeon]

Well, I decided to have a bit more fun at some spammers expense, so this is, what? Part three? We had the first round waaay back ("Take THAT!" the thread is called, fact fans) and then there's this new business with this porn chick or whatever the hell she is.

So now what? Well, enter "Pretty Sharonn", and her sob story about her dad dying and her and her mother needing to come live with me (on the plus side, she does promise to love me.. and how's the mother going to pull her weight, eh?) and so I decided to write back to her, but under a cunning disguise. Think a long black moustache, a bitching car and a snickering dog...

Hello

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You must be very upset right now.

I would love to help you but I am not sure how.

I too am quite lonely sometimes, as its only me and my dog right now, and all he does is laugh at me.

Please get back in touch and we can sort something out.

Yours

Richard D. Asterdly.

[The Curmudgeon]

So she wrote back (with photo). I won't bore you with the cut and paste bullshit she wrote back with (except she DID call me Richard D.Asterdly) so I wrote back with this..

Hello again

First of all, Princess Sharon, may I say how beautiful you are. I showed your photograph to my friend Klunk and he whistled, chirped and made odd smacking noises with his cheeks. That means he thinks you're pretty. I think.

Anyway, I read with concern that your mother is coming too. Now, I don't mind that at all, but I have to clear a few things up first. Does your mother like dogs? I have a dog that goes everywhere with me, especially when I'm driving. And I need to know if your mother is allergic to dog hair, as when he uses his tail to fly the hair does tend to get everywhere.

Also, I need to know if this is in any way ILLEGAL. I am more than happy to welcome you into my home but I don't want to break the law. Cheating at races - yes. Breaking the law - no.

Please hurry and get back in touch with me.

I urgently await your reply.

Thank you, drat and double drat.

Richard D. Asterdly

The cat is pretty much out the bag now, but you never know..

[trashcanman]

Maybe she never watched classic cartoons. Who knows?

Oh, and hit us with that pic!

[The Curmudgeon]

Dammit, I'm trying to put this pic on here but I can't work out how to do it. I'll try later.

For now, Princess Sharronn has replied again..

Dear Richard D. Asterdly

I'm also happy to read from you once again. but, i would like you to know everything about this project is legal and for that reason, i would like you to come overhere in my country and see things yourself and get back home with us as i have explained to you.

I and my Mum would like to come over to your country immediately the teotal sum of the money is transferred to your account of your choice that you will provid . but, if you don't any account , please i would like you to open any new account that we can use to receive the money in your country.

Once again, i want you to consider this project very important and don't take it for play becuase of how cheap you considered it becuase we prayed before we decided to contact you. so, consider it very important.

Blah blah, it goes on. You get the idea. Anyway, time to make it verrrry obvious indeed..

Hi Sharonn
I take your situation very seriously indeed, and I am desperate to help you out in your time of need. I even asked my dog if it was OK and he said "ohboyohboyohboyohboy", and usually when he's mad he just mumbles under his breath, so YES - I want to help!!

I'm confused what you mean, though - do you want ME to come over to YOU or are YOU coming over to me? If you would like to meet me in your safe zone then that makes sense, as there are a lot of people near me who would say bad things about me, especially that guy in the Arkansas Chugabug. His pet bear is obviously terrified being in that car. How cruel can you get?

If you would like me to come to see you first this is no problem, but I would need notice. I can get access to a plane from the Vulture Squadron to come and see you. Although those planes have been known to fall to pieces mid-flight. Meh, I'm sure they won't this time.

You asked for my details so here they are

Name: Richard D. Asterdly
Age: 45
Occupation: Racing driver, pigeon catcher.
Location: Dicaragua (Near London)
Married/Single: Single.

That's all my details right now, do you need my bank details when we meet or would you like them now? Please let me know and I can get to the bank in the Mean Machine tomorrow morning, stopping only to lay a large series of rockets that will take out any car after me. I can't think of any way how that plan could backfire.

You asked for a picture of me and I've enclosed my most recent pic.



I hope you like it. Big purple hats and handlebar moustaches are all the rage over here right now. As are talking, flying dogs. But you'll find that out when you come to live with me, right?

I urgently await your reply, but please tell me what to do next - do I arrange a flight over there or do I arrange for YOU to come over to me?

Your double-dealing do-badder,

Richard D.Asterdly

[The Curmudgeon]

She writes..

Richard D.Asterdly,



My dear, i don't understood you, it seams that you are taken this business like Tom and Jerry play? How can you send me such thing as your picture? You mean that you can entrust your money to someone who presented himself to you? Well, i don't think you are serious to transact with me.

Thanks

Princess

And so, to end (I would imagine) on a tragic note,

Dear Sharonn

Please believe me when I say that I DO take this seriously. I really don't know why you would think I don't take it seriously.

Haven't I done everything you asked of me?

You asked me to send you my details and I did; I told you about my racing driving, which, OK, I omitted details of me stopping half way through races to try and destroy the other cars but, come on - have you SEEN the Anthill Mob? They use their FEET to drive the car. How is that even possible?

Anyway, I told you everything you wanted to know and I even offered you my home as yours, and your mother and I notice you didn't put a picture of her in your e-mail. I'm betting Penelope Pitstop she ain't. I even offered to come and visit YOU, which would mean leaving Muttley behind which I never do. That's how much you mean to me. Look, you've got me shouting now, and Zilly has gotten so scared he's popped his head into his yellow coat like a turtle. Well, I hope you're happy, Princess Sharonn. I think you've broken my black heart.

What more could I possibly do for you?

Richard D.Asterdly.

[The Curmudgeon]

The cheeky bitch writes back with..

Dear,



it think that any serious project like this needs a serious attention on everyside. Tell me, How can i present that thing you sent as your picture to my respected Motherr, No, we are from a royal family, we don't things that way,



i'm somehow satisfied by your kind details, but you should send me your real you (picture) then we can connect you with the bank immediately.



Also, send me your private telephone numbers in your next mail.

Cheers

Princess

And so..

Hello

Very well. Here is my real picture,


I'm sorry I was fooling around before, but I was afraid someone as beautiful as you would not look at someone like me.

I just find it hard to believe that a real life Princess would be interested in me, Richard D. Astardly. I am so lucky. Perhaps I am mis-informed though - do you ever think there could be something between us?

I also find it hard to believe that a real foreign Princess would sign off any messages with the word "cheers", but hey-ho, I guess I'm a gullible cartoon villain.

Anyway, enjoy my photo. Show it to your old mother and see if she gets moist. That's a sure-fire sign of a keeper.

Can you tell I'm getting bored with this yet, Princess? See, the trick is to write all this stuff down but leave in only key things that you may read. So, check this out..

I look forward to hearing from you again, but I'm a bit cautious of giving out phone numbers. Perhaps if you give me yours I can call you?

Thank you once again

Richard D.Astardly

[trashcanman]

"See if she gets moist"? Eeeeeeeeew. That's vile. What is this scam all about anyways?

[The Curmudgeon]

I've just found out. She's just written back to me asking for bank details. I won't cut and paste the post 'cos it's enormous and hugely dull, although she keeps calling me her "blood brother." Man, does that mean she didn't like my "photo" and now she just wants to be friends? Bummer.

Here's some choice lines..

I have gone through your mail and understood all you said, All you said in your mail was true and I'm OK by it, but,i want to still want to let you know that everything about this money is genuine so you should not fear or think how the money will come into your bank account without your banks questioning you.

Riiight. So the part about spamming and moist mothers was OK by her?

Please, we believe in you and have seen your photo, we have that trust that your are a God fearing person, And I'm having this covenant with you as my blood brother, so, see the bank form they gave us today, make sure you go through it, and send it to the bank so that by next week the money will be in your account.

I.. I'm not sure but is she asking to sacrifice me?

[Benjamin Haines]

It's time for you to keep your appointment with the Wicker Man, Curmudgeon.

[The Curmudgeon]

Dear Richi,



good morning to you.



I came with hope that i will read from you as to know if you have send the form to the bank and their response so that i will contact my Mum so that we can go to the bank immediately so that they can attend to your fome and for urgent release and transferring of the money to your account according to our conclusion. but, i was so surprised i didn't see any mail from you.. So, my dear, let me know if you have sent the form to the bank and let hear their response becuase i'm so worried .

Regards

Princess

I think its time we ended this, don't you?

OK, Princess Sharon, pay attention: this is what's known as ENDING A JOKE.

Did you honestly, really ever think I bought your pathetic tale about being, like, a billionaire princess who's dad had snuffed it and now had all this money you didn't know what to do with? So much so that you would send out random e-mails to random people all over the world wanting to give it away?

You realise I'm paraphrasing here, I can't remember your exact story because they're all the same. "Dear sir, God bless you. I have 10 billion dollars, do you want it?" That's pretty much the deal with SPAMMING SCUM, isn't it?

So no - you're not a Princess, and guess what? I'm not really Richard D.Astardly either. This has simply been something to do, something to put on my website where we mock ignorant, desperate LOSERS like you. That's why I named myself after a fucking CARTOON CHARACTER. That's why I win - and you lose.

Seriously, does anyone ever fall for your laughable lies? I honestly doubt it. Why not stick to pirating DVDs or whatever else it is you low-lives do to avoid actually getting a job.

Roast in Hell, moron.

The Curmudgeon.

[Ben]

That was definitely a good way to start my morning. I don't think I've laughed so hard in weeks. Nice work with the cartoon references, Curmudgeon.

[trashcanman]

Say it with me now......