Post by The Curmudgeon on Feb 13, 2009 2:45:39 GMT 2
Intelligence insulting drivel - for girls.
Musical historians in the year 3000, when tunes are beamed directly into our heads and we all drive rocket cars to the moon at weekends, will one day pour over our collective listening tastes, nodding wisely at the likes of Prince and Bowie, wondering exactly what the hell turned hip-hop from the genuine voice of the streets into the bling-obsessed mumblings of morons, and when they finally come across this album, even though they're now devoid of primitive rage and anger, will instantly crush it under their bootheels and go out and commit mass murder. Such is the effect of Scouting For Girls.
Want to know a secret? I'm actually a bit of a sucker for piano-based pop songs. A sweet melody, a catchy chorus and a decent bit of ivory tickling and The Curmudgeon's usually hard heart will melt in his chest. And yet this album, complete with "catchy" (in the same way that AIDS is catchy) choruses and a barrage of piano throughout, doesn't melt my heart. Instead it makes me want to stick a pick-axe into the pudgy, smug face of the lead singer, who's name I couldn't even be bothered to look up for this review.
That's how bland and pointless this band are. It doesn't even matter who's singing when the songs are as inoffensive, bland and lightweight as this. "Girls are nice. I like girls" - that's pretty much it for the entire album, which would be OK if any of the songs had actually anything to SAY, even if they were just playing it for laughs. But there's no wit, imagination or depth to any of these lyrics.
Scouting For Girls have created a record seemingly designed for an alternate, backwards universe; sweet becomes cloying and saccharine, catchy becomes irritating, fun becomes the aural equivalent of drinking cement.
So what is it that's so offensive about this innofensive music? Well, for starters, there's about four or five songs here that sound EXACTLY the same. Not just "similar" - you could cut and paste the lyrics from each song into one another and you wouldn't notice the difference. This, from a one-hit novelty dance act keen to cash in on their success is expected; from a supposedly "genuine" band it shows a frightening lack of invention and effort, a real "yeah, that worked last time" approach.
"Elvis Ain't Dead, (But You'll Wish You Were After This") is an appalling stain of a song; mirthless and beyond trite, yet even that isn't the worst offender here. It's not even "I Wish I Was James Bond", a song even more empty headed than its title. It is, of course, their biggest (I'll go out on a limb here and say ever) hit, "She's So Lovely." No song in the world should be so wretchedly shallow and banal without some due punishment, and no band in the world should repeat the words "I Think That You Are Lovely" without a stake being driven through their black hearts.
There's a scene in the Simpson's that mocks the cosy, vomit-inducing world of Rom-Com's, with a film called "Love Is Nice." Scouting For Girls have just created the soundtrack to that film.
Scouting For Girls is, of course, Music For Girls. Talk about being short changed. I dunno; pregnancy, periods, rape and now a Scouting For Girls album. Is there no end to your suffering?
