Post by The Curmudgeon on Nov 29, 2009 1:07:34 GMT 2
It's for sick kids - and about as welcome as cot-death.
You know what I hate? Charity.
Not the "money raised for good causes" bit, that I can handle, it's more the way the money is raised that bothers me. As you may have gathered from the title of this review, I'm from the UK (well, Latveria - that's just outside Britain, isn't it?) I don't know how things are in the US, but (tin-rattlers aside), in the UK charity is mostly generated in two ways. The first has special days dedicated to it; Comic Relief, Children in Need, that sort of thing, and it always involves all manner of stunts designed to raise money. And so, as a result, every grey faced manager or brown-nosing supervisor suddenly becomes The King of Comedy for one day a year, and all the dullards who don't actually have a sense of humour take part in all kinds of side-splitting antics all in the name of charity.
Sitting in baths of beans! Crazy costumes! Funny games! Buying novelty records! All the while pretending you actually have a soul! It's all extremely tedious, and if you don't happen to participate you get accused of being "mean" or "no fun", all by the same people who's social and personal lives would actually benefit from being shot in the face.
That's one way. The other is the ever so serious route, with heart-wrenching videos of starving kids or war-torn countries (very off-putting when you're trying to eat). But you know what both have in common? Funny or serious, wacky or heartfelt - they usually come with some God-awful charity record attached, like an unwelcome lump in your nutsack. It's the X Factor's turn again, repeating the formula from last year (and joy of joys, Cowell says this is now a yearly tradition), taking the 12 penny dreadfuls of this years abysmal karaoke vomit-fest and joining them together to the delight of absolutely no-one.
Proof positive of the Men in Black style mind-wipe that's taken over the world since Michael Jackson died, in that a charity for children can now be soundtracked by a MJ song without ONE snide comment or joke. Would this have happened last year? Hell no. But now he's dead and all that, let's plunder his back catalogue like we always loved him. And it's the syrupy ballad You Are Not Alone (written by R Kelly, who as we all know has a lot of love; yellow, foul smelling love, for the kids) that gets the X Factor treatment. And Good God almighty, it is absolutely BRUTAL.
I don't know what it says about the UK, or the increasingly tired format of the show itself, but this years X Factor has had record viewers but the only act that anyone; the public, the papers, seems to be talking about, are comically abysmal and self-knowingly awful duo John and Edward. They were everywhere, even though they were SO bad they ended up having their vocals turned down in the live shows. And yet they're the biggest stars of the whole show, and even now they've been booted out they're STILL front page news at the expense of the other redundant jokers. So why the hell would anyone want a CD with the 11 other no-hopers on there? The girl who talks like she's got more learning difficulties than Susan Boyle? The obnoxious guy who looks a bit like the Crazy Frog? The Welsh teenager with the personality of a sandal? The.... nope, that's it. I can't even picture the other ones.
Let's face it, you won't even have to listen to know exactly what this sounds like. A "one closed hand held out to the camera" wet slice of banality, it's only memorable trait being that its even worse than last years effort. Way to go on that one, guys.
I hate to repeat myself, but I've said this on every charity release I've ever reviewed. It's never been easier to give to charity. You can donate through websites, you can put a portion of your wages every month to charity to any cause you wish. I'm not saying don't give to charity - of course you should. But as the smiley-faced simpletons clutching their "first" (and for most, last) single, delighted their faces are on a record and not, you know, helping the sick kids proved, this has nothing to do with charity and everything to do with ego and exposure. Don't be fooled, don't be swayed.
I ask the public; are you sick of reality show idiots stealing the number one spot? Are you sick of tacky, worthless cover albums stinking up the charts? Are you sick of the moronic, braying public buying into this sham each and every time? Yeah? You Are Not Alone.
