Post by The Curmudgeon on Aug 11, 2010 17:54:55 GMT 2
Die one thousand deaths!
Quick question - what three things do we never need to hear in a pop song ever again?
Give up? Well..
1. Auto-tuned vocals.
2. Lyrics about being in a club.
3. The phrase "shorty."
And next question - what pop song contains all three? If your answer was "oooh, about a million?" you'd get a point. The correct answer, for the purpose of this review, is "The Club is Alive" by JLS, their fourth single and easily their worst, which when you consider the knuckle-chewing cheese of "Everybody in Love" is some achievement.
For those not in the know, JLS (or, gnnnnnnnnnn, "Jack the Lad Swing", phew... that took some effort to actually type that. My fingers and brain were actually refusing) came second in 2008's X-Factor and have, until now, been un-mentioned by this reviewer and the Official Room 101 of Amazon. That's not to say their output has been anything special - it hasn't. Their type of no-risk R&B was bland, inoffensive and easy to ignore. Besides, Eoghan Quigg was in the X Factor that year. JLS came away looking like Sly & The Family Stone in comparison.
Anyway, when JLS hit the top of the charts with their debut material, mouth-breathers everywhere suggested it was something to celebrate, that the traditional boyband was back, back, back, seemingly forgetting the reign of terror those hordes of grinning, handsome tools had in the 90s, where you couldn't switch on a music channel without your eyes being assaulted with white teeth and, like, totally buff abs. But, OK.. you want the British boyband back? Fine.
But do you REALLY want your British boyband to sound like every generic American over-produced R&B drone currently clogging up the charts? Do you REALLY want them using phrases like "shorty", a stupid term that no-one in this country actually uses? Do you REALLY want the same boyband who almost won a SINGING contest auto-tuned to the ridiculous extent that you're not sure if its a man or a photo-copier singing? Do you REALLY want your boyband pandering to the American market so shamelessly, jettisoning any individuality they could perhaps have shown on record? Let's be fair here, JLS seem like nice enough guys; personality and a sense of humour in abundance.. but there's no way of knowing that here.
Surely the mark of a good singer/band/whatever is to hear a song on the radio and know who it is? You hear a MJ song, you know it's him. You hear an Aerosmith song, you know its them. And even lowering the bar here to suit; you hear a Leona Lewis song, you know its her (i.e - you'll be asleep by the time its over). Even a contestant from the same series, Diana Vickers, has a distinct voice that, for better or worse, you knew who it is when she's on. This horrible song could be ANYONE.
Ah, but why is it "horrible?" Well, that's the real reason this song is here, not just because it sounds like any other piece of plastic garbage out there. That "Club is Alive" title? If I were to tell you someone thought it'd be a good idea to sample the tune for "The Sound of Music", replacing "The Hills" with "The Club", you'd think I was joking, right? You'd think, "nah.. no way. There's surely no-one would make a record that crass and embarrassing." Get ready to face-palm kids, because, (robotic voice activated), "The Club is aliiiiiiiive with the sound of musiiiiiiic." Mere words cannot express how bad it actually is.
Bad pop music is one thing. Copycat catch-up pop music is worse, but this disastrous mis-fire of almost comical proportions has reached new dizzying heights. These Jack the Lads should Swing for this.
See: JLS - The Club is Alive
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w6cYoEu_P4
