Post by The Curmudgeon on Nov 25, 2010 12:34:04 GMT 2
The Time has come for the Black Eyed Peas to die.
Picture the scene; a small, rustic village, peasants go about their daily lives in silence. Children are never seen here. A storm rolls through the sky, and a flash of lightning shows the hideous Castle Am high up in the mountains. The peasants shudder, some discreetly cross themselves. Inside Castle Am, the notorious madman Dr Will.I.Am is in his laboratory, busily splicing beats and ideas from other people's songs. He will later move from the laboratory to the lavatory where he will prepare his lyrics. His faithful assistant Fergigor shuffles behind him. Once beautiful, she is now more plastic than human. Her skin looks like its been ironed. Will.I.Am removes a 12" record from its sleeve. "I've Had the Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. A crack of thunder fills the night sky, an omen for the atrocity that will soon be born. "Look, Fergigor!" Dr Am cackles, "I shall take this song and sample it! But instead WE shall sing the chorus, and our vocals will be digitally altered until they sound perfectly ridiculous! And soon the whole WORLD will suffer at the hands of Dr Will.I.Am, as I seek to create the worst music of all time!" Wild, manic laughter bounces around the dark castle walls, Fergigor tries to smile but her inhuman face will not allow it. 'twas the night that The Time (Dirty Bit) was created, an affront to both man and God.
At least, that's how I like to imagine how this record was created, because the actual reality is altogether more depressing and certainly more frightening. I mean, he HAS to know, surely? Will.I.Am and the rest of those Peas just HAVE to know this is terrible. I just can't accept that they sit there, listening to this hilariously, aggressively awful music and think, "yeah. That's some good work. We've done well." It's impossible. For the sake of humanity, it has to be impossible.
So, yes, they lift the chorus from "I've Had the Time of My Life", and it makes you groan in embarrassment. But that's nowhere near as crass as the actual lyrics themselves. Now, BEP haven't been known to write thought provoking, meaningful lyrics before, but this makes "I Gotta Feeling" look like Subterranean Homesick Blues. "If you didn't know that, well baby, now you know now" doesn't even make sense, but when you're stealing "Mick Jagger/Swagger" rhymes from Ke$ha, it's surely time to rip the page out the notebook, scrunch it into a ball and start again.
So we've got a cringe-inducing chorus, Auto-tuned vocals to the nth degree and banal, pointless, "seriously, what are you even TALKING ABOUT?" lyrics. Never before has music that sounds this expensive been so worthless. Making electro music is fine, and Will.I.Am would clearly like you to see him as some kind of futuristic pioneer of music, but guys like Deadmau5, the Toxic Avenger and Fake Blood have already perfected these stuttering, squelchy beats, with far more imagination and flair than anything you'll find on a BEP record.
Real music fans will, of course, find this as pathetic and offensive as anything the BEP have done in recent years. It would be nice to think though, that even the great unwashed masses, the same people who dance and sing along to past abominations like Imma Be and Boom Boom Pow will instead stop, rub their eyes from the dream-state they've been in for years and just say "NO." No to this feeble attempt at music, at the lack of skill or passion on display here. Just flat out NO. Then, and only then, shall Will.I.Am's mad reign of terror be truly over.
