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Post by The Curmudgeon on Dec 18, 2011 18:05:54 GMT 2
 Christmas is cancelled.Expectations for music released at, and for, the Christmas period are usually pretty low. It's fair to say that the time of the classic Christmas song is long gone, and few, if any, will ever sit alongside the recognized "canon" of festive standards. When you listen to, say, Phil Spector's seminal, timeless "A Christmas Gift For You" record, you can't imagine any of today's pop goons ever creating anything quite so genuinely joyful. So yeah, it's now all a big "whatever - it's Christmas" shrug. We don't really expect much from today's crop of Christmas tunes. But, seriously, has it come to this? Are we really so turned off, desensitized and bored with Christmas music that something so horrendous, poorly conceived and downright WRONG as Bieber's "Under the Mistletoe" record can be released and we simply mark it down as yet another Christmas album? The fact that, in the last three weeks both Michael Buble AND X Factor dud and celebrity non-event Joe McElderry have released depressingly similar Christmas albums, and even they sound relatively palatable compared to this monstrous mis-fire. The whole point of a Christmas record is, surely, to make you warm towards and anticipate the big day. To enjoy spending time with your loved ones and to really get behind the "season of goodwill." Yet the sheer bile that wells up in the soul when simply looking at Bieber's arrogant, hateful face, coupled with his whining, nasally voice, makes you wish for a Santa suicide bomber. We'll get to the main offender later, but let's deal with the other low quality tracks first. The handful of new songs are all vanilla, instantly forgetful R&B lite dross, all repeating the same eye-rolling cliches ("I heard on the street that Santa Claus is coming to town" - noooo, REALLY, Justin?) and boring, mundane ballads with as much soul and warmth as an airport departure lounge. Remember when I said new Christmas songs can't hang with the classics? These new songs aren't even on par with "Have a Cheeky Christmas" by the Cheeky Girls. As for the covers, the puppet masters who pull Bieber's strings have decided to ruin some of the most celebrated Christmas songs of all time. Among them, a turgid, "I'm really feeling the emotion here, honest" snooze-fest cover of Silent Night and an appalling version of "The Christmas Song" that makes you wish that it was only Bieber's chestnuts roasting on an open fire. And what says "Christmas" more than a guest appearance by "talk to my manager and show me the money" Busta Rhymes on "Little Drummer Boy", an atrocious, vulgar track that has Bieber attempting to rap, with knuckle chewing, face-palm worthy lyrics ("Playing for the king, playing for the title, I'm surprised you didn't hear this in the bible"). The fact this music was recorded, released - and that people paid money for it - simply beggars belief. Anyway, onto the main offender and lead single from the record itself. Arguably the last Christmas song that could sit alongside festive pop standards like Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody" and Wham's "Last Christmas", Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas is You" remains the only song in her entire career that is of any worth whatsoever. Released in 1994, it remains a Christmas favourite. It's got bags of charm, an irresistible pop hook and is pretty much impossible not to enjoy. Leave it up to the record labels then, to strip the song of any merit and make it note for note the worst track on an already grim and grisly album.. and Mariah is there for the ride, willfully destroying her own song all in the name of attempting to remain relevant to 12 year old girls. The video has to be seen to be believed; Carey doing her "I can't do anything else" coquettish shtick in a skimpy Santa outfit, now looking like a depressed, crack addicted hooker while Bieber basically shouts over the rest of the song. Yes indeed, nothing says "Christmas time!" like a 41 year old balloon chested skank making sexy eyes at a 17 year old boy. It's absolutely shameful. Lazy, cheap Christmas cash-in's, where flavour of the month pop morons ruin Christmas songs are nothing new, and they will continue to be made as long as stupid kids and no-nothing parents buy them. Make no mistake - "Under the Mistletoe" could very well be the worst of the lot. If Santa Claus is indeed making a list of who's been naughty and nice, he should surely be heading for Justin Bieber's home with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. See: Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas is You.www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGFNmEOntFA |
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Post by trashcanman on Dec 19, 2011 4:55:07 GMT 2
 Patented real time, stream of consciousness music video commentary: (Superfestive!)(Shazaam version!) What the holy godless fuck? Is that one surtitle or a surtitle of a surtitle? So Beiber's voice is whiny? How can you tell under all that auto-tone? Wait. Is that motherfuckin' video game product placement? Oi. I am disappoint, Nintendo. So were Beiber and Carey even in the same state when this was shot? Beiber's back-up vocals are not auto-tuned. Sounds like something any teenage loser could improvise. Wait, there he is trying to give her a hickey while she laughs at him. So why are they showed separately the whole rest of the video? What a moronic video. The song itself is harmless, but the video is just beyond amateurish. The point of the song was love before shameless greed and commercialism, right? So why is the whole video tossing gift after gift around at a fucking megastore with a stack of 3DS's front and center? And I really can't get over how they shot the stars individually almost the entire time as if Beiber was complaining that Carey's vaginal odor was too offensive for them to perform together. Or maybe they shot them together first and Carey's man was trying to fuck "the Beib" up after he tried to chomp on her neck and the only way he's let them finish is if they performed separately. Anyways, my version of the video would have had Chris Brown run in and knock Carey out at the midway point of the last set of choruses right before Eminem walks on and stands over her horizontal form to bust a wicked battle rap right in her black and blue face before fastballing the mic right at Beiber (who has been continuing his lame background singing the whole time), abruptly ending the song as the bells continue jingling. I'd call it the (Superfestive!) (Shazaam!)(You got knocked the fuck out! Bitch!)(Obsess over this version!) |
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Post by Pie Grrrl on Dec 23, 2011 21:42:57 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
I would have had more respect for this review, written by a self-professed "curmudgeon" if you had simply rated it ONE star and been done with it. A 1,000+ word rant on the commercialization of Christmas tunes simply smacks of 1) Too Much Time and 2) Too BIG an Ego.
You didn't like it. We get it. Now, take your Bah Humbug and move along.
We LOVE it and play it right along with Phil Spector, Mitch Miller, Windham Hill, Ramsey Lewis and Bing Crosby.
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Post by Dave on Dec 23, 2011 21:45:53 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Oh my goodness this is funny. Sadly though, there are more people in the world like pie girl than the reviewer. Easily entertained by the next new thing, Pie Girls are all over this land. How depressing.
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Post by trashcanman on Dec 24, 2011 21:26:13 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Did Pie Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl (so do you roll those r's like in Spanish or growl like a dog when you say it?) just refer to herself in the "royal we" without a sense of irony after typing about somebody else's BIG ego after taking the time to count how many words you used after typing that you had Too Much Time? Also, if you just rate it one star and be done with it, it's not a review. What a fracking mess.
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Post by Pie Grrrl on Dec 27, 2011 12:07:45 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
I hardly consider my other musical choices to be rubbish, Dave. I have 3 teens in the house; I've got to be flexible and show a willingness to enjoy their music so I can educate them on mine. If you're depressed, have some spiked eggnog and listen to Springsteen.
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Post by Pie Grrrl on Dec 27, 2011 12:09:00 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
"Interests"
Rockin' music, horror/sci-fi flicks, pro basketball, video games, women with little or no clothing. The usual nerd stuff."
Pot. Kettle.
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Post by Ann J on Dec 27, 2011 12:11:08 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
You have a huge ego. Whats wrong with you? I think mistletoe is a great song! He sings about love on christmas and the true meaning. To be with friends and family to celebrate the gift of jesus. Yet you wrote more that a thousand words to get your story out. No one cares. You dont like it. You mustve done alot of research to post tyat review. And go take your bad holiday spirit somewhere else. Its christmas!
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Post by trashcanman on Dec 28, 2011 21:09:39 GMT 2
I think you're using that term wrong, Pie Grrrl, but I appreciate your interest in my interests. Me calling the kettle black would imply that my name is spelled in a stupid manner that invites mockery, that I also refer to myself in the plural out of an inflated feeling of self worth (or just poor writing skills), or that I make moronic statements that other reviewers should not express themselves in reviews. Or maybe you're saying that instead of reviewing myself, I spend all of my time whining in other people's comments sections. Or maybe you also semi-ironically voice interest in the female form and that's where you got the idea that we are one in the same. Please explain. This riddle that is your attempt at metaphorical cliche intrigues me. Is the bizarrely misused pot/kettle reference really just somebody without a proper grasp of english typing random things they've heard other people say, or is there some deep, life-changing subtext that I'm missing? I must know.
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Quillford
Bad Witch
"You're Scheming On A Thing That's A Mirage. I'm Trying To Tell You Now, It's Sabotage!"
Posts: 238
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Post by Quillford on Jan 12, 2012 14:11:49 GMT 2
Ah I am GLAD you put this up. I have raged one to many times over that ear piecing, arse shaglomaniac. Why he plagues the world like twilight and high school ewwsical is beyond me. All I have to say is spot on. I will never bow down for a second to grant this little smiley fuck nut a wince of appreciation. |
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Post by Sloppy D on Jun 13, 2012 20:50:30 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Kinda a waste of good invective, if you axe me . . is JB really supposed to appeal to the Curmudgeons of the world? C'mon, man . . try aiming for something besides the biggest, cuh-YOOT-est target available. My infatuated 11-year old is unlikely to read your review, I'd a-wager.
But I do thank you . . the phrase "a 41 year old balloon chested skank making sexy eyes at a 17 year old boy" got me more than a little excited. I don't even feel guilty about it.
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Post by Brainhead1 on Apr 2, 2013 10:27:27 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
I suppose you could should you feel so inclined.
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Post by Music Freak on Apr 2, 2013 10:28:03 GMT 2
ORIGINAL COMMENT FROM AMAZON.COM
Please Stop!! Ms. Pie.
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Post by uxuyoriq on May 23, 2019 20:37:26 GMT 2
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Post by uyoebaeec on May 23, 2019 22:43:16 GMT 2
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