Post by The Curmudgeon on Apr 16, 2012 0:40:59 GMT 2
Exactly what you'd expect. Only ten times worse.
In all the years of the X Factor, Britain's annual exploitation of the weak-minded and ignorant (and that's just the viewers), there has always been the measuring stick, the benchmark, of what Simon Cowell considers to be a STAR. And Leona Lewis, despite being as interesting and with as much personality as flat pack furniture, was that benchmark. Her voice was, and indeed is, exemplary. Perfect for the overwrought, bloated ballads that Cowell's thousand monkeys behind typewriters would churn out, eagerly lapped up by the sort of people who buy that kind of stuff. Y'know; morons.
Time, however, has not been kind to Leona. The pop landscape has changed considerably in the last few years, and her blend of boring, witless chunder just doesn't sell in the bucket-loads that Cowell is used to. And so, in the age of Lady Gaga and Rihanna, what is a terminally bland and uninteresting girl to do? There have been talks for more than a year now of Leona coming back with some brave, experimental new sound. That Leona had embraced dance and dubstep. The one song that has trickled out, the grindingly tedious "Collide" was a dull 90's dance beat with Leona bellowing over it, and it's only redeeming factor was that it showed that dance music and Leona Lewis just don't mix.
Anyway, that new, exciting, cutting edge album was due out in the summer of 2011. Nothing. Then promised in March 2012. Again - no show. It's now been pushed back even further to the end of 2012, where I can only assume her record label are hoping the world will end first.
So how do you stay relevant in today's fast moving pop world AND show them how you've grown as a "credible" artist? Well, Leona Lewis obviously has no idea, because she's released this EP of cover versions. And surprise surprise - they're all ballads! Who could have predicted that? Pretty much everyone, obviously. Although the sheer, striking unoriginality and lack of effort contained in this three track yawn must surely come as a surprise.
When Trent Reznor first heard Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt, he said he felt like he'd "lost a girlfriend, because that song isn't mine anymore." Somehow I can't imagine him having the same sentiment about this Leona Lewis attempt; the track barely has a pulse, and Lewis, gifted singer though she may be, absolutely lacks the kind of chops required to pull this song off. Cash's cover was full of pain and regret after a lifetime of hard living. Leona is just putting on her best "I'm sooo SAD" voice, and it would be quite funny if it wasn't so pathetic and ill-judged. Leona has made a bit of a career out of covering stadium rock songs. She's covered "Run" by Snow Patrol and "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis in the past, creating two by the numbers, cut and paste big voice, orchestra in the background snore-ballads. This is worse than both combined; an ugly, gigantic mis-fire, and easy contender for worst cover version this century.
The Goo Goo Dolls hit "Iris" is one of THE go-to songs for pop imbeciles looking to score a hit with a rock song. Ronan Keating, atrocious boyband The Wanted, Kelly Clarkston, Taylor Swift.. if you don't know a thing about music but want to pretend you do, Iris is your cover. And Leona's version strips away most of the guitar and, well, enjoyment from the song, turning it into three of the most boring minutes of your life. I think the studio were trying for "haunting", when really what they got was just plain dead. And on the third track Leona actually manages the impossible and makes you WANT to hear the Counting Crows. After all, anything's got to be better than her mind-numbing cover of "Colourblind." If you make it to the end of this EP without switching it off you've obviously been tied to a chair.
With X Factor winners dropping from the radar at an ever increasing rate (2010's winner's third single scaled to the dizzy chart heights of 185), it was tradition to look back to Leona Lewis and how it "should" be done. This truly dismal EP shows that her time is now up.
Just go away forever, Leona.
SEE: Leona Lewis - Hurt
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkWo2srE7nY
