Post by The Curmudgeon on Apr 27, 2013 2:32:45 GMT 2
Will.I.Am must be destroyed.
Well, it HAS been a while, hasn't it? What with one thing and another, this is going to be my first negative review in almost a year. And a whole lot has happened in the world of music since then; Justin Bieber has went from kid friendly pop scrotum to being more hated than the Boston Bombers. The UK version of The Voice continues to be a high profile mega-flop and a song was broadcast on Mars for the very first time, an auto-tuned headache called "Reach for the Stars", which could very well cause the first interplanetary war.
So what do all of these have in common? Music's public enemy number one, Will.I.Am, of course. For it is he who is one of the four egomaniacs sitting in the revolving chairs in The Voice, AKA World's Worst Talent Show, it is he who has brought in the, er, "talents" of Justin Bieber for this record and it is he who unleashed that unprovoked and aggressive attack on Mars. For better or worse, and it is most certainly worse, no matter how bad he gets, no matter how much he lowers his own personal bar, Will.I.Am just keeps getting bigger and bigger. This is a problem.
The Curmudgeon has reviewed this man's work before, of course. His time with the Black Eyed Peas has resulted in some of the worst pop singles in the last 30 years, and yet he seems to have the sinister drive to make whatever atrocity that came before seem not quite as bad as what comes after it. I've done a bit of research on this, and the results are fairly alarming. Feel free to take notes, because this is serious business.
When the Black Eyed Peas first started out, minus plastic faced anti-talent Fergie, they were a socially conscious hip-hop act, not opting for gangsta rap and instead using live instruments on stage. They released some pretty acclaimed material back then, as well. When Fergie joined the group, they had a string of huge hit singles, some of them admittedly not that bad at all. "Where is the Love" had a nice, MJ style chorus and a positive message and "Shut Up" was kinda fun as well. The stink and rot would set in soon after. What follows is a series of horrors and hate crimes so severe they will taint and possibly damn your very soul. You have been warned.
"My Humps." Appalling in every single way, yet "Boom Boom Pow" was arguably worse. The next single, one of the biggest hits of all time, "I Gotta Feeling", is one of the worst songs ever written, yet it's STILL not as bad as the Dirty Dancing inspired "The Time (Dirty Bit)", which I'm reliably informed James Holmes listened to on repeat before stepping into that cinema. And you think to yourself - well.. this is IT, surely? You can't GET worse than that. Unless you record yourself torturing a donkey and putting a dance beat behind it, this is surely the lowest that mortal man can stoop?
Not for Will.I.Am.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, we have #Willpower. Note the use of the hashtag, because hey, Twitter is where the action is now, kids, and we all love guys who are hitting forty putting hashtags in front of words for no reason. The last single from this aural groin punch was the truly, deeply dismal "Scream and Shout" with Britney Spears. Now, it's no secret I actually like Britney Spears a whole lot. She's verging on talentless, granted, but she sure is nice to look at and the guys who pull her strings manage to knock together some enjoyable pop records. Those guys clearly had the day off here, because Scream and Shout is worse than all of those songs I just mentioned. Why? Oh my.. where to begin? The lyrics? My God, what drivel. I mean God DAMN what drivel. I could cut and paste the lyrics but I fear my keyboard and monitor may revolt and self destruct in protest. And then you have Britney's toe-curling "British" accent and it was a sure fire winner of worst song of the year.
Notice that past tense? What could possibly top "Scream and Shout" for wretchedness? What is now THE worst song of the year? Keeping that cycle going, it's Will.I.Am's NEW single, the quite simply jaw-dropping #thatPOWER, the collaboration with everyone's favourite super-douche, Justin Bieber. You will not believe this music was recorded and released by professional "artists." You will not believe that lyrics such as "I take it higher, And high, high and higher, I stay and buy attire, Keep burnin' like that fire" are now classed as acceptable for inclusion in a pop record. You won't WANT to believe it, but believe it you must.
Because it's REAL, people. It's happening NOW. Will.I.Am is still creating music as you read this, each song more diabolical than the last. Ladies and gentlemen, I am of the firm and unwavering belief that by the year 2015 Will.I.Am will have created a piece of music so inhumanely terrible it will tear a hole in the very fabric of the universe.
Therefore there is no other option. Will.I.Am, destroyer of music and potential destroyer of earth, must be eliminated at all costs. We as a species cannot rest until Will.I.Am's head is severed from his still twitching body and fed to a hungry lion.
If you SEE Will.I.Am do not hesitate. Do not think. Do not give him a chance to run. He simply must be killed.
You could be mankind's last hope. I only hope we're not too late and he's already recording a duet with Susan Boyle.
#murderwill.i.am
SEE: Will.I.Am feat Justin Bieber - #thatPOWER