Post by The Curmudgeon on Apr 28, 2013 2:36:15 GMT 2
The New Nightmare
Sunrise, sunset. Summer, winter. Life, death. The great circle of life continues, and so, as Justin Bieber was once a fresh faced 15 year old adored by millions of illiterate girls the world over, he has now matured into the hilarious hate figure he's become today. Socially repugnant, the cracks in his non-existent talent all too apparent, and about six months and one more bad press frenzy away from a suicide attempt.
So now that Justin is on the way out, we need another Youtube sensation (is that still a thing? That's still actually happening?), posting cover songs on the internet for millions of barely literate cretins to swoon over and rape the English language in the comments section to. And I'll give this latest toilet blocker his due, he's following the Bieber template almost to the letter. Both were discovered on the net, both had guest spots on their songs from fading, I Will Literally Do Anything For Money rappers and both have moronic names for their fans. Justin Bieber has his "Beliebers", and Austin Mahone has, and I actually hate myself for finding this out, his "Mahomies." And now you know that, too. You're welcome. Austin Mahone has been described as "the second coming of Justin Bieber", news that is about as welcome as "hey, there's this new guy in power with a little moustache that seems to hate Jewish people for some reason. I can't put my finger on who he reminds me of."
Before we talk about this song that brought us here, let's take a moment to talk about Austin's Youtube videos. It says a lot about today's technology when semi-professional looking videos are so easy to make and post online now. Because while there are the obligatory clips of Austin in his bedroom singing into the camera, he also gets some of his weird friends to make videos for him, my personal favourite being the laugh out loud funny cover of Adele's "Someone Like You", which almost eats the screen in its own black and white earnestness, even when it's as heartfelt and genuine as the girl in McDonald's drive-thru telling you to enjoy your meal. If you see nothing else today, hunt that gem down. It's as unintentionally hilarious as a 14 year old boy with braces in his teeth singing that the girl he once loved is married now could be. You're 14 and your ex is married? Where do you LIVE, Mahone? Nigeria?
So, this latest horror we're discussing today, "Say You're Just a Friend", is the standard dead-eyed pop dross that borrows from the Biz Markie track of the same name in its chorus. Come on..you already KNOW how this one sounds. It's funny that a song made famous by its intentional off-key delivery is recreated in the most hollow, artificial sounding auto-tuned vocals that make the reason Austin Mahone was discovered (y'know, singing) kinda redundant. "Hey kid, love your videos. Great voice. We're now going to over-produce your single and drown your voice in so many effects you'll sound like we created you on an iPad."
And then bring in Flo Rida, a man I really didn't think I could respect any less until this video. He's always had zero integrity or artistic merit, but in this garbage he may as well be bent over with his pants down and a giant broom made of dollar bills shoved inside him. On this track he delights us all by cleverly name checking the hit singles that he's had, which is a bit like a war criminal naming all the school's that he's blown up. The man is absolutely shameless.
It's yet more disposable, plastic lies made to steal money from your stupid children. Lazy, uninspired and flat out worthless. Justin Bieber fans will now be at an age where they realise they threw away their teens and have no musical identity or heritage of their own, but there's a whole new generation of 11 year old girls ready to climb aboard the same train with a different name.
Can't we just skip to 2016 when he's hooked on drugs already?
SEE: Austin Mahone - Say You're Just a Friend
